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Elliott Pardee 2019-07-05 14:16:46 -04:00
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_site/
.sass-cache/
.jekyll-cache/
.jekyll-metadata
Gemfile.lock

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source 'https://rubygems.org'
gem 'github-pages', group: :jekyll_plugins

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# vypr.github.io
My writings, musings, and critiques.
Using [**@hugoferreira](https://github.com/hugoferreira)'s [papyrus-theme](https://github.com/hugoferreira/papyrus-theme) as a base and included modifications from his [blog's theme](https://github.com/hugoferreira/hugoferreira.github.com).

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# Site settings
title: "On Computer Science, Theology, and Church History"
author: "Elliott R. Pardee"
description: "This is the blog of an aspiring computer scientist with an intense interest in theology and church history, including the philosophy that comes with it."
keywords: "Software Engineering, Mathematics, Philosophy, Programming, Theology, Orthodoxy, History"
biography: "I am an Orthodox Christian and aspiring computer scientist. My particular interest is in bridging the gap between technology and the Church by providing fast, efficient web services."
colophon: "© MMXVI — MMXIX by Elliott R. Pardee.<br>Content available under <a href='http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/'>Creative Commons (BY-NC-SA)</a> unless otherwise noted.<br>This site is hosted at <a href='https://pages.github.com/'>Github Pages</a> and created with <a href='http://jekyllrb.com/'>Jekyll</a>."
baseurl: ""
url: "https://vypr.xyz"
twitter_username: vyprrr
github_username: vypr
linkedin_username: vyprrr
google-analytics: UA-82182108-1
simple_search: https://google.com/search
markdown: kramdown
highlighter: rouge
permalink: /:year/:month/:day/:title/

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<footer class="mb-3">
<div class="container">
<div class="row biography">
<div class="col-sm-6">
<h2>who am i</h2>
<p>{{ site.biography }}</p>
</div>
<div class="col-sm-6">
<h2>what is this</h2>
<p>{{ site.description }}</p>
</div>
</div>
{% if site.colophon %}
<div class="row copyright text-center">
<div class="col-sm-12">{{ site.colophon }}</div>
</div>
{% endif %}
</div>
</footer>

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<head>
<meta charset="utf-8">
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1">
<meta name="theme-color" content="hsl(35, 36%, 95%)">
<title>{% if page.title %}{{ page.title }}{% else %}{{ site.title }}{% endif %}</title>
{% capture description %}{% if page.description %}{{ page.description }}{% elsif page.title %}{{ content | raw_content }}{% else %}{{ site.description }}{% endif %}{% endcapture %}
<meta name="description" content="{{ description | strip_html | condense_spaces | truncate:150 }}" />
{% capture keywords %}{% if page.keywords %}{{ page.keywords }}{% elsif page.title %}{{""}}{% else %}{{ site.keywords }}{% endif %}{% endcapture %}
<meta name="keywords" content="{{ keywords | strip_html | condense_spaces }}" />
<link rel="canonical" href="{{ page.url | replace:'index.html','' | prepend: site.baseurl | prepend: site.url }}">
<link rel="alternate" type="application/rss+xml" title="{{ site.title }}" href="{{ "/feed.xml" | prepend: site.baseurl | prepend: site.url }}" />
<span itemprop='author'><meta name="author" content="{{ site.author }}"><span itemprop='author'></span>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="//brick.a.ssl.fastly.net/PT+Serif:400,400i,700,700i:f">
<link rel="stylesheet" href="https://stackpath.bootstrapcdn.com/bootstrap/4.3.1/css/bootstrap.min.css" integrity="sha384-ggOyR0iXCbMQv3Xipma34MD+dH/1fQ784/j6cY/iJTQUOhcWr7x9JvoRxT2MZw1T" crossorigin="anonymous">
<link rel="stylesheet" href="{{ "/css/main.css" | prepend: site.baseurl }}">
<script type="text/javascript" async
src="https://cdnjs.cloudflare.com/ajax/libs/mathjax/2.7.5/MathJax.js?config=TeX-MML-AM_CHTML">
</script>
<script type="text/x-mathjax-config">
MathJax.Hub.Config({
tex2jax: {
inlineMath: [ ['$','$'], ["\\(","\\)"] ],
displayMath: [ ['$$','$$'], ["\\[","\\]"] ],
processEscapes: true
},
TeX: {
equationNumbers: { autoNumber: "AMS" }
},
CommonHTML: {
scale: 90
}
});
</script>
<script>
(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga');
ga('create', '{{ site.google-analytics }}', 'auto');
ga('send', 'pageview');
</script>
<script src="https://d3js.org/d3.v5.min.js"></script>
<script src="https://d3js.org/d3-hexbin.v0.2.min.js"></script>
<script src="https://code.jquery.com/jquery-3.2.1.slim.min.js"></script>
<script src="https://use.fontawesome.com/4bee85bf94.js"></script>
{% if page.custom_css %} {% for css_file in page.custom_css %}
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/css/{{ css_file }}.css">
{% endfor %} {% endif %}
</head>

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<div class="row navbar">
<div class="col-6">
{% if site.github_username %}
<a class="fa fa-github" href="https://github.com/{{ site.github_username }}" title="GitHub"></a>
{% endif %} {% if site.twitter_username %}
<a class="fa fa-twitter" href="https://twitter.com/{{ site.twitter_username }}" title="Twitter"></a>
{% endif %} {% if site.linkedin_username %}
<a class="fa fa-linkedin" href="https://id.linkedin.com/in/{{ site.linkedin_username }}" title="LinkedIn"></a>
{% endif %} {% if site.facebook_username %}
<a class="fa fa-facebook" href="https://www.facebook.com/{{ site.facebook_username }}" title="Facebook"></a>
{% endif %} {% if site.500px_username %}
<a class="fa fa-500px" href="https://500px.com/{{ site.500px_username }}" title="500px"></a>
{% endif %} {% if site.instagram_username %}
<a class="fa fa-instagram" href="https://www.instagram.com/{{ site.instagram_username }}" title="Instagram"></a>
{% endif %}
</div>
<div class="col-6 text-right">
<a class="fa fa-home" href="/"></a>
<a class="fa fa-info" href="/about"></a>
<a class="fa fa-book" href="/resources"></a>
</div>
</div>

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<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
{% include head.html %}
<body>
<div class="container main">
{% include navbar.html %}
{{ content }}
</div>
{% include footer.html %}
</body>
</html>

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---
layout: default
---
<div class="row justify-content-center">
<header class="col-md-12 text-center mt-3">
<h1 itemprop="name" class="pl-3 pr-3">{{ page.title }}</h1>
{% if layout.showdate %}
<p>{{ page.date | date: "%B %-d, %Y" }} in {{ page.categories | first }}</p>{% endif %}
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{{ content }}

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---
layout: post
title: "Dropping Out"
date: 2015-06-19
comments: true
external-url:
categories: Life
---
On January 28th, I made a pretty big life-changing decision. I decided to drop out. I’ll begin by providing some backstory. Around 5th grade I began making a decline in education. I wouldn’t have things done and I wouldn’t have things to turn in, which wasn’t good. I somehow made it out of there but I’m not entirely sure how. Once I left elementary school and got into 6th grade, I had a bit of transition. I went from this content, calm person to someone almost excited for everything that was going on. Maybe it was because of me being excited to get older, or being accomplished, or just feeling a release from a lot of burdens I had during my childhood.
I was quite similar to that of an A.D.H.D. child, which is odd considering this was unusual behavior for me. Even some people who knew me back in elementary school understood that I changed over the summer. The decline continued but yet again, I passed through. I came to 7th grade a little more calmed and beginning to become the person who I am today. 7th grade came to be the worse year of my schooling, after my general decline was confronted by a teacher’s aide who told me something that changed my year entirely. She blamed my decline on the fact that I knew about a concept the Port Huron Area School District (and possibly other schools had) called ‘social promotion.’ Now, this was ironic, because I didn’t know what the concept was, and that my decline was just me being a giant slacker (for the most part). She also explained what social promotion was in just passing, went sorta like this: “I know that you don’t have to do it because of social promotion…” Which I figured gave me a free pass through middle school, which it did. Despite my terrible grades throughout middle school entirely, I made my way to high school, but I’m not skipping 8th grade yet. In 7th grade, I ended up having personality clashes with my science teacher, and ended up getting the most items on my behavioral report in that one year alone. It wasn’t because I was truly misbehaving, it was mostly petty things that wasn’t tolerated slightly. I even tossed an eraser back at a kid who tossed it towards me, and I ended up getting in trouble for it. This didn’t help my decline much at all, as the last thing I wanna do is work for someone who doesn’t deserve it.
8th grade I tried to fix myself, and I did fairly better for the most part. I still had my faults (like failing history and English), but I knew that these obstacles could be walked through without a scratch.
**After all, social promotion will come to save me from having to do my work, just so I can be with my friends.**
My freshman year of high school was a breath of fresh air. I had more freedom compared to middle school and I ended up having only one teacher that I didn’t enjoy, for all the right reasons. Despite the fact that social promotion logically shouldn’t have been in effect in high school, it was. I passed freshman year only failing one class, which was English. I went to sophomore year head first. It was my favorite year of high school, and I won’t forget it. I had some fun times with my friend, Chris, and I had a teacher that absolutely despised me. The good thing about that year in terms of teachers was that I met my favorite teacher, my English teacher. Which was ironic because out of me failing classes the hardest that year, English was one of them. I met more friends that made me who I am today, and it was overall a great time. However, my decline was apparent again, as I was told that if I failed more classes after that year, that it would be infeasible for me to pass high school at Port Huron Northern, and that alternatives would have to be taken, such as a school in the district with a different requirement for credits, and night school.
Junior year. This year, or would be. I enjoyed it, it was the year Chris and I went to [PAX East 2015](http://east.paxsite.com/), and I felt like I had reached the highest I’ve ever been placed. I had credential, and students who had never truly knew me supported me. Which was good, because that helped my self-esteem really well. I was told that I was my English teacher’s favorite student, which was, again ironic, because I failed English that semester as well. After I realized I had failed classes, I decided it would be in best interest for me to start school somewhere else. I joined the Insight School of Michigan, an online school ran under the wing of K12 Inc., a for-profit education company. I was able to learn at my own pace, which wasn’t an issue, but gave me some leg room to do things my own way.
If I was to rate my experience, it would be a 6/10. I learned that socialization in these online schools was a thing of the past, and that any private layer of socialization that physical schools had was eliminated. You couldn’t talk personal stuff in the live classrooms without knowing that a teacher on the other end of the internet would be able to visibly read these. When I took the ACT test, a teacher from another K12 school was there, and agreed with me on the lack of socialization. It’s important, and I found this the hard way. While I had credential, trying to get support was difficult, because once you’re gone, you’re almost forgotten. After I dropped out, my Algebra teacher at the time told Chris that ‘at least [Elliott] won’t be there to annoy you anymore.’ Thanks.
While I had my friends online, I only had few left physically. Life was becoming dull, and I found myself entering a depression. My educational decline hit rock bottom when I stopped attending the online school, and dropped out of that 2 weeks ago. I opted to try to go for the GED program, and bought a book to guide me through it. However, I’m finding it to be pretty difficult to climb up from rock bottom. I’m sabotaging my life slowly, and I don’t know where to begin on what my future will look like. I need something to help me through this but I can’t figure out what. **Nothing is helping.**
I just had to get this off my chest.
<hr>
## Editor's Note
Here's the comments I received when I wrote the post (click for full size):
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/w2SwA0v.png">
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/UOBiRWH.png">
<small>(not the same Chris mentioned in this post)</small>

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---
layout: post
title: "Keeping In"
date: 2015-09-22
comments: true
external-url:
categories: Life
---
It’s been a long 3 months since I’ve updated on all this education stuff. When I wrote the post, I had reached my low point and I wasn’t sure where I was headed afterwards.
**But now, I’m back.**
When I wrote that blog post, I had dropped out of the online school I had chosen and made a small effort towards getting my GED. Shit wasn’t working so I just started playing by ear and seeing where life takes me.
I was going to counseling appointments bi-weekly and eventually seeing a psychiatrist to give me the final verdict on my depression. Turns out, I did enter a depression (which I’m still in process of fixing). The medicine is helping so I just kept playing by ear, since the school year was over and I didn’t really have much to do. The GED wasn’t something I wanted and was a last resort thing (if that wasn’t apparent).
The appointments were starting to get a little bit annoying. It’s different when it’s a routine, but when it’s every other week it starts to get a bit repetitive. My insurance only covered so many appointments and I ended up having to spend these next 4 months with only 2 appointments.
It’s partially a good and bad thing. Good as in, I’m on my way to shit and the medicine is helping to where the appointments aren’t necessary. I don’t think I’m done yet with the medication, as my mood has a definite change when I fail to take them on a day. It’s bad in the sense that if I was to ever slip back, I’d be screwed. There wouldn’t be much I could do and I’d just have to survive. The plus side is that me slipping back seems slim now.
A short time after I had my appointments spread across the months, I received a phone call from an online school that I applied to back in January when I had signed up for the other one. The benefits of this online school being:
1. It’s in my area.
2. I go to an actual school, despite all of it being online.
3. Partially oriented around people like myself. They inquired about me wanting to join, and I said yes. It was the only good thing I had going for me and I took it. Since it couldn’t get much worse than nothing. So, skip a few months later (because I didn’t start until September). I go to school, and shit is pretty direct and simple. They give you classes oriented around you (in addition to keeping state requirements) and making school less of a nuisance (I haven’t received a piece of homework).
I started school on September 15th (last week) and I was on my way. They start everyone with a math strategies elective class just to bring people up to speed on basic math and pre-algebra concepts. I finished the class today (September 22nd). I spent less than a real full school week (since we don’t get Fridays and the school year starts on Tuesday). Granted, there was stuff that I had to learn, but I had about 30-40% of the work like the back of my hand, and I was able to finish the rest quickly once I was taught.
I’m also the first one to finish a class in this school year.
I think I’m starting to get to the top, like I should’ve been. I’m also at the point where I’m looking at the present and very near future and I’m not looking back on the past. **That shit’s over.**
Hell, if I finish classes within weeks, I’d be out sooner before my normal time.
So, my friends and family, including the strangers on the internet (who supported me regardless with no doubt), **thank you**. If it wasn’t for the support I had received, I’m not sure why I’d bother trying for my education. So (1000 * “thank you”) to each and everyone of you to motivated me to get to where I needed to be,
**Thank you.**

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---
layout: post
title: "Life Since 2015, Told In (a Little Over) a Thousand Words"
date: 2017-03-24
comments: true
external-url:
categories: Life
---
#### Introduction
It's been some time since I've last spoke about my life so far. The last post was "Keeping In" in 2015, where I spoke about my (anticipated) shift to educational progress and, by extension, "life progress." A lot has occurred since then. To not speak about it would be harmful to my consciousness. It's beyond me who actually reads this but if you are &mdash; thanks, I suppose. It means a lot that you'd read this. At the same time, this provides me a medium to vent. Not to say that I don't have other mediums or people to vent to.
If you've missed out on what I've said in the past, I've brought back my previous posts onto this blog (just hidden by default). To go in order, read "Dropping Out", then read "Keeping In."
#### Late 2015
I stayed on the up for the most part. I reconnected with a friend that I had in the past there (at this new school). There, I also befriended other people as well, even my teachers, which made my experience all the more nice. I was the first person to complete a whole credit during that school year, which I was pretty proud of at the time. I worked diligent, a fair amount. However, that didn't stop my old patterns from returning.
It was a fair amount of time in that school by now. Roughly 4 months, maybe even less. However, I started getting into subjects that bored me beyond compare. I would start to pretend to do my work, replaying the old lessons. In reality I would watch the videos, but I'd have the audio muted and just listen to music in the background. The school's firewall had YouTube and other music platforms blocked, but Google Play Music had slipped by, showing another case of "why you don't use wildcards in restrictive firewalls". I would use the free radio that it had and listen to whatever sounded nice, just watching life go by. It wasn't a conventional boredom, it was the boredom that drained your will to do anything.
#### Early 2016
At this point, I had simply left. I didn't have my mother write anything stating I was being voluntarily removed, I didn't tell anyone about it. I had simply stopped attending. The worst case scenario was that they dropped me as a student. I wouldn't receive any legal repercussions from doing so, nor would the action receive any negative byproducts. Depression had obviously set back in, I would remain secluded and the only outside contact had been my job (the first of many), my mother, my close friends, and my therapist.
My first job was interesting. Whether or not it was a conventional first job, I wouldn't know. I had a fair time there, worked with my best friend, Chris (the one I went to PAX East 2015 with), which made the experience better. I did my job well and I'd say the pay was okay. But I left within the first month. It was opening week and it was too fast-paced. The store was filled with customers from opening at 9am to closing at 10pm. This was one of the first times my asthma really acted up in a long while. Overall, it was too physically demanding for a first job.
#### Mid 2016
I feel that, in this span of time, I had become better than earlier. While not much had occurred up to September of 2016, I was working on bettering myself and finding more about what I wanted to do or involve myself in.
I started another job, this time at Jimmy John's. It was an amazing experience. The people were nice, the atmosphere was good, I had a good time. I would've stayed there longer than I had, but the hours I was getting weren't enough for me to be able to do anything. $230 every two weeks wasn't working.
#### Late 2016
I started learning Esperanto more heavily and happened to come across a Reddit post discussing an Esperanto top-level domain. A top-level domain for Esperanto would be highly unlikely, given ICANN's requirements, but a different idea crossed my mind.
That idea would become Retejo.me (don't go there, nothing exists), a web hosting organization (it wasn't really a company) involving myself, the person behind that Reddit post, Bryce, who ended up becoming a close friend, and a trusted moderator of /r/Esperanto, who would also become a close friend, Jared. The main force creating our friendship was the fact we all happened to be Christian and Esperantists, which seemed awfully ironic. I did the main business work, the web design, and the code behind it. Bryce would play the role of "public relations" in a sense, and Jared did our graphic work.
I'm proud of the project (code-wise). It the first project where I made a proper user system, API, and proper backend. Although this project ended up failing, due to a variety of reasons, it would be a lie for me to say that I didn't have fun doing it. That and the friendships created made it more than worthwhile.
#### Early 2017
2017 started out&#8230; okay-ish. It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was just in the middle. My depression came around a bit often, and it took me away from my Christian faith. I took refuge in the only thing I knew and that was Buddhism. I was Buddhist for a 2 month span, rejoining the Christian fold late February. Reflecting on it, I lost myself in that time. I returned to seclusion mode, ceased talk with a great amount of my internet friends, and just hid from the world. Only did it take Jared to let me hang around a Christian Discord we founded, for me to seriously contemplate why I left. I received no solution for the problems I faced. Rather, embraced and reassured that everything was going to be okay.
#### Life As Of Now
To be determined.

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---
layout: post
title: "Just a Memory"
date: 2017-04-17
comments: true
external-url:
categories: Reflections
---
Listening to The Specktators (well, *Packy*) right now. It makes me think of the times I'd walk to the bus stop every morning to go to school, muting out the noise of the world, enjoying the beat and the message. Feeling the 60 degree weather, just that perfect temperature that isn't too cold nor too hot. Not even worrying about the future, worrying about the past. Just living in the moment, here with my music. Once I'd get to the bus stop, I'd take my headphones off to talk to a couple friends until the bus arrived. Exchanging greetings with the bus driver, who I felt like I had a decent connection to, then sitting down and resuming the soundtrack to that part of my life. Watching the houses and trees pass by on the ride to school, still living in the moment. Only for the bus to arrive, forcing my soundtrack to come to a pause and for me to resume working on something I would eventually drop entirely.
Thinking about this and reflecting feels very sublime. While the rest of the day was boring and dull, this was one part that I feel like I really enjoyed in that time of my life. That serenity from solitude.
I pray that this form of "happiness" comes back in some way, and in some ways it already has. My faith has been getting stronger, day by day, and I can know and feel it, to the extent that it makes me happy.
In a realistic sense, I pray that this happiness grows, where my faith is strong regardless of whatever bumps I'm facing, and where I know and feel that I'm being loved and that someone finally cares.
I thank God for these blessings, day in and day out. Now if only I can get myself to do a proper confession again, rather than the impromptu "forgive me for my sins" or the "forgive us our trespasses" in the Lord's prayer. While yes, it's repenting, I think we can all agree that recollection, learning the gravity of our sins, and careful but thorough analysis can bring about that repentant heart. That, and God's wonderful and amazing grace.

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---
layout: post
title: "A Life Renewed"
date: 2018-08-27
comments: true
external-url:
categories: Life
---
Given that I lost my two previous blog posts regarding my life since dropping out, this will feel a bit out of sync to read if you're reading these chronologically (or through "The Chronology" tag, which tells the whole story **[editor's note: new blog does not have this tag yet]**). I hope that isn't much of an inconvenience.
Today, I start (well, at this point "have started") college classes after my 3+ year long battle with dropping out (of multiple schools) and depression. I made it. I'm finally in college and I'm achieving my dreams in computer science.
Last year around late June&mdash;early May, I got my GED. With "College Ready" in all tests besides math, I knew I was on my way. After a struggle with religion and figuring out colleges and majors and where I wanted my life to go, I finally settled down with computer science.
A bunch of thanks are in order:
1. God and Christ, for giving me the strength and direction that my life had lost for so long.
2. My mom, for putting up with all my nonsense and encouraging me through it all.
3. My grandmother, even though I never got the time to establish a connection, you always had faith in me, no matter what. You were like the human embodiment of God in His covenants.
4. My girlfriend, Amira, for giving me a reason.
5. My brothers and best friends Chris and Jacob, you guys have been by my side through this since day one, and you've seen the highs and the lows. Lord knows where I would've ended up without your guys' support.
And finally:
6. Financial aid, because paying for school out of pocket is near impossible.

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---
layout: post
title: "The Self-Manipulating Sinner"
date: 2019-03-22
comments: true
external-url:
categories: Life
---
The more you run in circles to find something external, the more you're bound to reveal what is truly internal. This is the preliminary advice to the reader, and to myself. When you are lost in the world or if something outside of you has gone missing, look within you. Ironically, the advice holds up if the opposite. If you have lost something inside of you, look around you.
## Background
This started mid-October 2018, before I had started a job at Walmart. I was in a dilemma between two potential employers. Walmart wanted to hire me for a temporary remodeling associate position that only secured me 3 weeks. However, Target wanted to hire me for seasonal cart pushing, offering better pay and assurance that I'd learn another position. Despite the fact that Target seemed immediately clear as a more favorable position, there was something bothering me about it.
Target seems relatively simple and nice to work at. Seeing the back areas and the employees, it seemed as though there was no real life to the environment. I'm sure this isn't the case in other Target stores, as ours is relatively unpopular. The atmosphere felt dead, employees looked bored or lost and there was no liveliness in the environment.
Walmart was the near-opposite of this, at least for a substantial amount of it. While imperfect, Walmart makes an effort in trying to make their employees feel some intrinsic value to what they're doing. They try to make an effort to make sure you feel like you belong. Walmart provides an environment where you feel important, as long as you do your job. Despite what Target offered, higher wages and longevity, Walmart seemed like the winner to me.
Being new to the adult world, you feel this pressure of making the right choices in these sorts of things. The "wanting to survive and have the most by all means possible" part of me said Target, while the hesitant, anxious part of me said Walmart. I worried greatly about judgment I'd receive by family and friends over my choice, I feared failure the most. I prayed little about it and I was desperate for an answer.
On October 15th, I got one. Target emailed me a message saying they weren't moving through with hiring me. I couldn't have been more relieved. God solved the dilemma and wiped the anxiety, and that was the last he spoke.
## The Setup Associate
After a day of orientation, I immediately started working as their training system didn't have me registered. I met my support manager (who I will refer to as B), who would become an invaluable leader during this time, as well as those who I would be working with for these next 3 weeks. They were working in the hardware department, changing shelves and product pegs. He placed me with a couple of associates who were working in electrical. My first day consisted half of observation and understanding how this system worked, the other half actually doing the thing.
After another few days of this remodeling, we were responsible for stocking product in hardware for the next couple of days. These days would start quick but near the last few hours would be extremely boring. We had about 6-8 people stocking, which gets things moving rather quickly. We'd finish everything with hours to spare, which just left us to make shelves look pretty _for the rest of the day_. Some had the right mind to bring some music with them, even though it was against policy. After we finished hardware, we moved on to sporting goods, then toys. Rinse and repeat what we did in hardware.
## Anticipating, anticipating, anticipating...
All during this time, I faced a great deal of what my therapist refers to as anticipation anxiety. Once I arrived home, I spent the rest of my day looking to distract myself from the fact that I had to work the next day. Anything that could do it, video games, music, YouTube, I had to have something distracting me. Otherwise, I fell into existential dread about the life I was living, which felt like I was slaving away at something that had no real value, exchanging suffering for hourly pay.
As soon as I'd get out of bed for work, I'd find myself coughing constantly out of anxiety, the kind of coughing that leads to vomit. I ended up doing so once. This happened only once in the past, when I was in 1st grade I did this before school because the teacher I had was very abrasive. But this wasn't 1st grade, this was a job, and I didn't have an abrasive teacher, I didn't have an abrasive anything. What gives?
The coughing started to loosen up over time, but the existential dread was very pervasive throughout the rest of my time at Walmart, which leads us to the next section!
## Moving on up!
In the middle of my second week of working, our personnel coordinator summoned me over the PA system. Wondering what was going on, I went to the personnel coordinator. I found out that my manager gave a good word about me. They wanted to hire me for a permanent position, with more pay than what Target's starting was. They suggested I join the electronics department, as my manager had noted my experience in computer science (thanks, B). I gladly accepted.
The electronics department was my best job experience thus far. It was a great blessing to work there and the people who I worked with were supportive and helpful. My favorite part of the experience were the people who I got to meet and assist there. Time slows and the pace doesn't seem so bad when a customer walks up and asks for help. It gives you a moment to breathe in exchange for helping someone find what they need. I even had a few regulars.
During this time, I had met a few people who I hadn't seen in a long while. The most important being two people from my previous Lutheran church. One of them being one who I had the pleasure of going on a spiritual retreat with in August 2017. These two were very instrumental in this journey, even if they didn't know it. God showed me something, yet confusion led me to not understand.
## The... anticlimax?
After a week or 2 of working in electronics, thus began the thanksgiving week, which all employees work outside of their typical availability. This was alright but somewhat disappointing because as soon as I arrived home from work, I'd need to sleep for the next day which had a morning shift. I wasn't able to focus on things that were important to me outside of work which added onto the depression and existential dread.
Things became especially tense November 21st through the 23rd. Walmart, like some other stores, starts their Black Friday sales 6pm the day before. Meaning on top of thanksgiving was Black "Thursday". Up until now, I didn't work all too much in my department itself. I was moved around to help wherever with stocking, as I happened to be fast at it. I ended up doing a lot of returns and cardboard handling.
Black Thursday had a lot of customers before the event started. We had people making camp in the shoe department, despite being told to not do so. I was dragged everywhere, helping out whoever needed it. It was one of the most stressful days of working, but at least I didn't have to work during the Black "Thursday" event. I didn't have to work Black Friday until around 1pm. So the big rush should have faded by the time I get in tomorrow, right?
## Wrong
There was due warning in Black "Thursday's" event, Walmart.com released the advertisement for it a week in advance, which even led to one family expecting they could get that price on a TV before the event. Ultimately, there was no excuse in those who wanted something really really bad to get to the event. Meijer had their "Black Thursday" event 12 hours before we did!
Despite this, the store packed full of people desperately looking to find the Spider-Man PS4 bundle or most of the electronics/games. We hardly had much of anything, yet people were rushing and demanding anyway. On top of this, we had two carts full of returns. This, 2-3 wireless workers, 6-7 electronics associates, 1 manager, and 30 people moving non-stop led to me having an anxiety attack in the break room. I went home early that day and I didn't come back.
The rest of my day filled with guilt over the situation. I dealt with a lot of existential dread over the weekend. On Sunday night/Monday morning, I came to my parents with it and my mother and I sat down and talked about it. Through the anxiety and dread, I explained how I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't keep waking up to coughing fits, to work at a job that at the end of the day had little value, to come home to existential dread about the life I was living. The path ahead at Walmart seemed to be of self-destruction and misery, killing any dreams of going to college, which I dropped classes in order to work, and resigning to a life of wage slavery. I couldn't fathom that kind of life for myself.
**To be continued&#8230;**

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---
layout: post
title: "test"
date: 2019-06-22
comments: true
external-url:
categories: Meta
---
```python
def test_method(x):
return x**x
print(test_method(5))
```
# h1
## h2
### h3
#### h4
##### h5
###### h6
**bold text**
*italicized text*
plain text
[link](#)
![image alt](https://i.imgur.com/ftW5Oan.png)
-----
\\[ x = {-b \pm \sqrt{b^2-4ac} \over 2a} \\]

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body {
-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;
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-o-font-feature-settings: "kern", "liga", "dlig", "salt";
font-feature-settings: "kern", "liga", "dlig", "salt";
text-rendering: optimizeLegibility;
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font-size: $base-font-size;
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color: $text-color;
.et-symbol {
svg {
height: 0.98em;
position: relative;
top: -0.05em;
image-rendering: auto;
path {
fill: $alt-color-darker;
fill-rule: evenodd;
stroke: $alt-color-darker;
stroke-width: 3px;
}
}
}
a {
color: $alt-color;
text-decoration: none;
transition: background-color 400ms;
&:hover {
color: $alt-color;
background-color: transparentize($alt-color, 0.93);
text-decoration: none;
}
&:visited {
color: $alt-color !important;
text-decoration: none !important;
}
}
p {
line-height: $base-line-height;
}
h1, h2, h3 {
font-family: $header-font-weight;
line-height: 1.4em;
font-weight: bold;
}
h2 {
font-size: 1.6em;
margin-top: 2em;
margin-bottom: 1em;
}
h3 {
font-family: $title-font-family;
font-size: 1.2em;
font-variant: small-caps;
text-transform: lowercase;
letter-spacing: 0.15em;
}
strong {
font-weight: $bold-font-weight;
}
}
article {
p {
hyphens: auto;
-moz-hyphens: auto;
-webkit-hyphens: auto;
-ms-hyphens: auto;
}
.mjx-mtext span {
font-family: $base-font-family !important;
font-size: $base-font-size;
font-weight: $base-font-weight;
}
> :first-child {
min-height: 2em + $base-line-height;
&::first-letter {
color: $alt-color-darker;
float: left;
font-size: 3.4em;
line-height: .7em;
font-family: $title-font-family;
font-style: normal;
font-weight: bold;
margin: .12em .15em 0 -.02em;
}
}
br {
display: block;
margin: .3em 0;
content: ' ';
}
ol li, ul li {
padding-left: 0;
}
ul li {
list-style: none;
margin-bottom: 0;
}
ol li {
margin-bottom: 1em;
}
ol, ul {
@media (max-width: 768px) {
padding-left: 1.1rem;
}
@media (min-width: 768px) {
padding-left: 0;
}
}
ul > li::before {
position: absolute;
content: '▪';
color: $alt-color;
@media (min-width: 572px) {
left: -1.15em;
}
}
pre, code, aside {
background-color: $background-color;
}
pre, aside {
padding: 1em;
border-radius: 5px;
}
:not(pre) > code {
color: $alt-color;
font-size: $mono-font-size * 0.95;
padding: 0.1em 0.3em;
border-radius: 3px;
}
code {
font-family: $mono-font-family;
font-size: $mono-font-size;
table {
border: 0;
margin: 0;
padding: 0;
pre {
margin: 0;
border-radius: 0;
padding-top: 0;
padding-bottom: 0;
}
.lineno {
padding-left: 0;
border-right: 1px solid transparentize(black, .8);
color: transparentize(black, .8);
}
}
}
}
blockquote {
margin-top: 1em;
margin-bottom: 1em;
border-left: 2pt solid $alt-color;
padding-left: .9em;
margin-left: -1em;
font-style: oblique;
> :last-child {
margin-bottom: 0;
}
code {
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 400;
}
em {
font-style: normal;
}
}
.main {
background-color: $article-bg-color;
box-shadow: 0 0 5px 5px rgba(160,160,160,.05);
margin-top: 16px;
padding: 16px;
border-radius: 12px;
}
.small-ornament, .big-ornament {
> svg {
display: inline-block;
vertical-align: middle;
width: 40px;
height: 40px;
path {
fill: $alt-color-darker;
fill-rule: evenodd;
shape-rendering: geometricPrecision;
}
}
}
.big-ornament {
> svg {
width: 14em;
height: 4em;
margin-top: 2em;
margin-bottom: 2em;
}
}
header {
margin-bottom: 1em;
p {
margin-top: 1em;
}
}
abbr {
font-size: 1.1em;
font-variant: small-caps;
text-transform: lowercase;
letter-spacing: .05em;
}
footer, .navbar {
font-size: $small-font-size;
color: $alt-text-color;
.biography {
padding-bottom: 1em;
border-bottom: 1px solid $subdued-border;
margin-bottom: 1em;
}
h2 {
font-size: 1.2em;
font-variant: small-caps;
text-transform: lowercase;
font-weight: bold;
letter-spacing: .15em;
}
a.fa {
color: lighten($text-color, 50%) !important;
margin-right: .25em;
margin-left: .25em;
margin-bottom: .8em;
transition: color 400ms;
&:hover {
color: $alt-color !important;
background-color: transparent !important;
}
}
}
.navbar {
font-size: $small-font-size * 1.1;
}
.footnotes {
border-top: 1px solid $subdued-border;
padding-top: 1em;
margin-top: 2em;
}
sup > .footnote {
margin-left: .1em;
font-style: normal;
&::before { content: '{'; }
&::after { content: '}'; }
}
.small-table {
font-size: $small-font-size;
td {
vertical-align: text-top;
}
}
:not(code) > table {
border-spacing: 2em .1em;
}
table {
margin: 0 auto;
margin-top: 1.25em;
margin-bottom: 1.25em;
padding-top: .5em;
padding-bottom: .5em;
border-collapse: separate;
background-color: $background-color;
border-left: 2.5pt solid $alt-color;
td, th {
display: table-cell;
vertical-align: inherit;
border: 0;
padding-top: 0;
padding-bottom: 0;
}
th {
font-variant: small-caps;
text-transform: lowercase;
font-weight: 700;
font-size: $base-font-size * 1.1;
letter-spacing: .1em;
padding-bottom: .6em;
}
}

207
_sass/_fonts.scss Executable file
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@ -0,0 +1,207 @@
/* Fira Code */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Fira Code';
src: url('/assets/FiraCode-Regular.woff2') format("woff2");
font-weight: normal;
font-style: normal;
}
@font-face {
font-family: 'Fira Code';
src: url('/assets/FiraCode-Medium.woff2') format("woff2");
font-weight: 500;
}
/* Merriweather */
/* cyrillic-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light'), local('Merriweather-Light'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6nrMRY-O9-Xp5ppZeqcQcMH8.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0460-052F, U+20B4, U+2DE0-2DFF, U+A640-A69F;
}
/* cyrillic */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light'), local('Merriweather-Light'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6nhBw1OMgj265uIpoXHqn6zY.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0400-045F, U+0490-0491, U+04B0-04B1, U+2116;
}
/* latin-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light'), local('Merriweather-Light'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6nrsKtFnhOiVZh9MDlvO1Vys.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0100-024F, U+1E00-1EFF, U+20A0-20AB, U+20AD-20CF, U+2C60-2C7F, U+A720-A7FF;
}
/* latin */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light'), local('Merriweather-Light'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6nkZRWJQ0UjzR2Uv6RollX_g.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0000-00FF, U+0131, U+0152-0153, U+02C6, U+02DA, U+02DC, U+2000-206F, U+2074, U+20AC, U+2212, U+2215;
}
/* cyrillic-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather'), local('Merriweather-Regular'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/RFda8w1V0eDZheqfcyQ4EA7aC6SjiAOpAWOKfJDfVRY.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0460-052F, U+20B4, U+2DE0-2DFF, U+A640-A69F;
}
/* cyrillic */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather'), local('Merriweather-Regular'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/RFda8w1V0eDZheqfcyQ4EBdwxCXfZpKo5kWAx_74bHs.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0400-045F, U+0490-0491, U+04B0-04B1, U+2116;
}
/* latin-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather'), local('Merriweather-Regular'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/RFda8w1V0eDZheqfcyQ4EIjoYw3YTyktCCer_ilOlhE.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0100-024F, U+1E00-1EFF, U+20A0-20AB, U+20AD-20CF, U+2C60-2C7F, U+A720-A7FF;
}
/* latin */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather'), local('Merriweather-Regular'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/RFda8w1V0eDZheqfcyQ4EBampu5_7CjHW5spxoeN3Vs.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0000-00FF, U+0131, U+0152-0153, U+02C6, U+02DA, U+02DC, U+2000-206F, U+2074, U+20AC, U+2212, U+2215;
}
/* cyrillic-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold'), local('Merriweather-Bold'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6nlPfeBX0b_nUXzRxYCltCF0.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0460-052F, U+20B4, U+2DE0-2DFF, U+A640-A69F;
}
/* cyrillic */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold'), local('Merriweather-Bold'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6noS3435hDhFFCA6hA_HcfZQ.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0400-045F, U+0490-0491, U+04B0-04B1, U+2116;
}
/* latin-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold'), local('Merriweather-Bold'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6nkqWMeizceScn2Xpn1ZpsKI.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0100-024F, U+1E00-1EFF, U+20A0-20AB, U+20AD-20CF, U+2C60-2C7F, U+A720-A7FF;
}
/* latin */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: normal;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold'), local('Merriweather-Bold'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/ZvcMqxEwPfh2qDWBPxn6nshHwsiXhsDb0smKjAA7Bek.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0000-00FF, U+0131, U+0152-0153, U+02C6, U+02DA, U+02DC, U+2000-206F, U+2074, U+20AC, U+2212, U+2215;
}
/* cyrillic-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light Italic'), local('Merriweather-LightItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwIOSpGJ4w-gNJD-QsPl9sQ7A.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0460-052F, U+20B4, U+2DE0-2DFF, U+A640-A69F;
}
/* cyrillic */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light Italic'), local('Merriweather-LightItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwIN_zqiEjrF2cHwM7WvhO-L4.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0400-045F, U+0490-0491, U+04B0-04B1, U+2116;
}
/* latin-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light Italic'), local('Merriweather-LightItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwIFPx9KgpCoczUSdnmwUGkhk.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0100-024F, U+1E00-1EFF, U+20A0-20AB, U+20AD-20CF, U+2C60-2C7F, U+A720-A7FF;
}
/* latin */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 300;
src: local('Merriweather Light Italic'), local('Merriweather-LightItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwIB0ue0Sk5cwvYx5tGiUAApw.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0000-00FF, U+0131, U+0152-0153, U+02C6, U+02DA, U+02DC, U+2000-206F, U+2074, U+20AC, U+2212, U+2215;
}
/* cyrillic-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather Italic'), local('Merriweather-Italic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/So5lHxHT37p2SS4-t60SlFmiNVhTT4pGO2rD6GgBClg.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0460-052F, U+20B4, U+2DE0-2DFF, U+A640-A69F;
}
/* cyrillic */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather Italic'), local('Merriweather-Italic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/So5lHxHT37p2SS4-t60SlBzuU9CtEpZd10JFi14MKmk.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0400-045F, U+0490-0491, U+04B0-04B1, U+2116;
}
/* latin-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather Italic'), local('Merriweather-Italic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/So5lHxHT37p2SS4-t60SlLbeiSZn9gAT0uu8FgUa5kU.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0100-024F, U+1E00-1EFF, U+20A0-20AB, U+20AD-20CF, U+2C60-2C7F, U+A720-A7FF;
}
/* latin */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 400;
src: local('Merriweather Italic'), local('Merriweather-Italic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/So5lHxHT37p2SS4-t60SlGfrnYWAzH6tTbHZfcsRIsM.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0000-00FF, U+0131, U+0152-0153, U+02C6, U+02DA, U+02DC, U+2000-206F, U+2074, U+20AC, U+2212, U+2215;
}
/* cyrillic-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold Italic'), local('Merriweather-BoldItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwIEaMaGruFzDoK1PiuIKwL_s.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0460-052F, U+20B4, U+2DE0-2DFF, U+A640-A69F;
}
/* cyrillic */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold Italic'), local('Merriweather-BoldItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwICOtRYHl1nVlqBVEsBD5gbM.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0400-045F, U+0490-0491, U+04B0-04B1, U+2116;
}
/* latin-ext */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold Italic'), local('Merriweather-BoldItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwIFMxop41rUAeuGQqDMZDGyg.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0100-024F, U+1E00-1EFF, U+20A0-20AB, U+20AD-20CF, U+2C60-2C7F, U+A720-A7FF;
}
/* latin */
@font-face {
font-family: 'Merriweather';
font-style: italic;
font-weight: 700;
src: local('Merriweather Bold Italic'), local('Merriweather-BoldItalic'), url(https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/merriweather/v15/EYh7Vl4ywhowqULgRdYwIFh3o8VkC1exAYQ700cRowo.woff2) format('woff2');
unicode-range: U+0000-00FF, U+0131, U+0152-0153, U+02C6, U+02DA, U+02DC, U+2000-206F, U+2074, U+20AC, U+2212, U+2215;
}

26
_sass/_settings.scss Executable file
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$base-font-family: 'Merriweather', Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;
$base-font-size: 10.4pt;
$base-font-weight: 400;
$bold-font-weight: 700;
$base-line-height: 1.7;
$title-font-family: 'PT Serif', Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;
$header-font-family: 'Merriweather', Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;
$header-font-weight: 700;
$small-font-size: $base-font-size * 0.875;
$mono-font-family: 'Fira Code';
$mono-font-size: 11pt;
$text-color: hsl(0, 0%, 25%);
$alt-color: hsl(191, 70%, 46%);
$alt-color-darker: darken($alt-color, 6%);
$article-bg-color: rgb(250, 250, 250);
$background-color: darken($article-bg-color, 6%);
$bg-color-darker: darken($article-bg-color, 15%);
$alt-text-color: darken($article-bg-color, 60%);
$subdued-border: rgba($bg-color-darker, 0.5);

67
_sass/_syntax-highlighting.scss Executable file
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/**
* Syntax highlighting styles
*/
.bghighlight { color: rgb(82, 86, 67); background-color: rgba(132, 189, 0, 0.188235); padding: 2px; }
.highlight {
.c { color: lighten($text-color, 50%); font-style: italic } // Comment
.err { } // Error
.k { color: $alt-color } // Keyword
// .o { } // Operator
.cm { font-style: italic } // Comment.Multiline
.cp { font-weight: bold } // Comment.Preproc
.c1 { font-style: italic } // Comment.Single
.cs { font-weight: 500; font-style: italic } // Comment.Special
.gd { } // Generic.Deleted
.gd .x { } // Generic.Deleted.Specific
.ge { font-style: italic } // Generic.Emph
.gr { } // Generic.Error
.gh { } // Generic.Heading
.gi { } // Generic.Inserted
.gi .x { } // Generic.Inserted.Specific
.go { } // Generic.Output
.gp { } // Generic.Prompt
.gs { font-weight: 500 } // Generic.Strong
.gu { } // Generic.Subheading
.gt { } // Generic.Traceback
.kc { font-weight: 500 } // Keyword.Constant
.kd { color: $alt-color; } // Keyword.Declaration
.kp { font-weight: 500 } // Keyword.Pseudo
.kr { font-weight: 500 } // Keyword.Reserved
.kt { font-weight: 500 } // Keyword.Type
.m { } // Literal.Number
.s { font-style: italic } // Literal.String
.na { } // Name.Attribute
.nb { } // Name.Builtin
.nc { font-weight: 500 } // Name.Class
.no { } // Name.Constant
.ni { } // Name.Entity
.ne { font-weight: 500 } // Name.Exception
.nf { font-weight: 500 } // Name.Function
.nn { } // Name.Namespace
.nt { } // Name.Tag
.nv { } // Name.Variable
.ow { font-weight: 500 } // Operator.Word
.w { } // Text.Whitespace
.mf { } // Literal.Number.Float
.mh { } // Literal.Number.Hex
.mi { } // Literal.Number.Integer
.mo { } // Literal.Number.Oct
.sb { } // Literal.String.Backtick
.sc { } // Literal.String.Char
.sd { } // Literal.String.Doc
.s2 { } // Literal.String.Double
.se { } // Literal.String.Escape
.sh { } // Literal.String.Heredoc
.si { } // Literal.String.Interpol
.sx { } // Literal.String.Other
.sr { } // Literal.String.Regex
.s1 { } // Literal.String.Single
.ss { } // Literal.String.Symbol
.bp { } // Name.Builtin.Pseudo
.vc { } // Name.Variable.Class
.vg { } // Name.Variable.Global
.vi { } // Name.Variable.Instance
.il { } // Literal.Number.Integer.Long
}

5
_templates/page Executable file
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---
layout: page
title: "{{title}}"
date: {{date}}
---

8
_templates/post Executable file
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@ -0,0 +1,8 @@
---
layout: post
title: "{{title}}"
date: {{date}}
comments: true
external-url:
categories: {{category}}
---

68
about.md Executable file
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---
title: About
date: 2018-07-18T03:02:05-05:00
layout: page
---
My legal name is Elliott Pardee. However, I use my (to-be) chrismation name, Seraphim. I'm 20 years old. I live with my wonderful girlfriend, Mosha, in Philadelphia, PA. I was born in Port Huron, MI. I am an Orthodox Christian, aspiring computer scientist, and aspiring husband and father.
## Projects
My best and primary project is [BibleBot](https://biblebot.xyz) ([GitHub](https://github.com/BibleBot)), a Discord bot for referencing the Bible and other Christian resources. It serves over 6,000 servers with a combined audience of over 400,000 users.
My secondary project is canon_law ([GitHub](https://github.com/vypr/canon_law)), which is a web service for referencing Orthodox canon law. It is not yet finished but all that is lacking is the rest of the content.
The only tertiary project at the moment is goarch_api ([PyPI](https://pypi.org/project/goarch-api/) / [GitHub](https://github.com/vypr/goarch_api)), a Python interface for the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America's Chapel API. I will have more similar projects in the future.
## Trivia
### Personality
My type on the *Myers-Briggs Type Indicator* seems to be around **[ISTP](https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/91f653537feab)**. My last two indicators are in the middle, so I can also be in the range of **ISTJ, ISFP, or ISFJ**. On the *Enneagram*, I seem to be **6w5 (Enneagram 6 with a Five-Wing)**. For the *Big 5 Personality Inventory*, I received the following scores: **Openness to Experience: 3.0/5.0 (60%), Conscientiousness: 3.0/5.0 (60%), Extraversion: 3.4/5.0 (68%), Agreeableness: 4.1/5.0 (82%), Neuroticism: 3.1/5.0 (62%)**
I would describe my disposition in life as **optimistic realism**. I hope for the best in all things, however I am able to realize whether people or events will act in a certain way due to certain circumstances.
I prefer **colder temperatures over hotter ones**, I will typically keep temperatures around **62-70&deg; F (16-21&deg; C / 289-294&deg; K)**. Preferred vacation spots include **forests, mountains, and anything in between**.
### Religion/Theology
As mentioned earlier, I am an **Eastern Orthodox Christian**. As I have yet to join a parish and become a catechumen, **I do not have a jurisdiction**. After some discernment, I believe my patron saint is **Saint Seraphim of Sarov**, whose name I will take after and whose life I will strive to imitate. **Saint Seraphim, pray for me.**
Being the developer of BibleBot, this didn't come without a **fascination with the Bible**. I find translations interesting in and of themselves, but that doesn't imply that I don't have favorites. Out of the translations available, my rankings are:
1. Orthodox Study Bible - While this may appear biased initially, I find the Septuagint OT much more pleasurable to read than the Masoretic Text. If I could, I'd strip away all the study notes and pages in order to have a nice pocket Bible of just the unique text and translation used.
2. RSV (*with Apocrypha*) - The RSV was the first modern English translation to consider the Orthodox usage. With the successor NRSV, these are the only Bibles with the full Orthodox canon (including 4 Maccabees, only accepted in the Georgian Orthodox Church). While I would endorse the NRSV just as equally, I find the gender-neutral language to become a burden in many places where it shouldn't be.
3. NKJV - I enjoy the Psalms/Proverbs and the Byzantine text used in the NT. I own a pocket NKJV and it does well on-the-go.
Of course, this only scratches the surface.
Next is my **theological stances**. This doesn't go too deep beyond general theology, but if I find ever a need to add more, I'll be sure to do so.
In terms of **soteriology** and how that comes about, I agree with the Apostolic churches in the belief of **synergism** and the **salvation process outlined by St. John Cassian**. While God certainly makes the first move (and that a person cannot), it is required for salvation to cooperate with Him. I affirm **unlimited and unconditional election**, but **I do not affirm total depravity or any other related ideas**.
I believe the Bible is **infallible** in matters of doctrine, historical account (Genesis before Abraham aside), and moral teaching. However, I have seen evidence for both sides of inerrancy and I can't find myself to make a reasonable conclusion without contradiction.
On **gifts of the Holy Spirit**, I am **continuationist**. However, this does not mean that the average person can start speaking in tongues immediately following conversion. Gifts of the Holy Spirit are more prevalent through sanctification, as we see with many saints having the gift of prophesy.
In regards to how I feel about a **literal millennium**, I am **amillennialist**. I do find myself **sympathetic to postmillennialism**.
Finally, the issue dividing the Oriental churches from the Eastern: **Christology**. I find both miaphysitism and Chalcedon's definition to be agreeing with each other, but from different perspectives. Language use aside, I have found no disagreement with Orientals about Christology.
### Music
- Genres: Metal, post-hardcore, punk, post-/grunge, hip hop, electronic
- Favorite Artists
- Heavy metal: Avenged Sevenfold, Disturbed
- Metalcore: Killswitch Engage, early Avenged Sevenfold, Bullet For My Valentine
- Nu metal: Linkin Park, Slipknot
- Other rock: My Chemical Romance, Rise Against, Dope, The Offspring, Crossfade, Breaking Benjamin, Seether, Foo Fighters, Three Days Grace, Megadeth, Anthrax
- Hip hop: Kendrick Lamar, Logic, J. Cole, Eminem, Kid Cudi, Chance The Rapper, Childish Gambino, Atmosphere, Macklemore, Lil Dicky, Run The Jewels
- Electronic: deadmau5, Daft Punk, Haywyre, Swedish House Mafia, Knife Party, Stromae
- Hardware
- Bass: Ibanez SoundGear SR300EB
- Electric guitar: Ibanez GIO GS171
- Microphone: Blue Snowball
- Software
- DAW: Ableton Live 10
- VSTs: Massive, Serum, Reaktor

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<h1 itemprop="name">On Computer Science,<br>Theology, <span class="et-symbol"><svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" version="1.2" viewBox="0 -56 90 69">
<path d="M52.08-22.56L60.8-22.56C82.16-22.56 87.69-32.23 87.69-40.64 87.69-46.31 84.08-52.23 78.08-52.23 75.44-52.23 73.77-50.64 73.77-48.56 73.77-47.52 74.48-46.23 75.92-45.69 76.8-46.23 77.84-46.48 78.95-46.48 83.05-46.48 85.84-43.28 85.84-39.77 85.84-33.52 80.08-28.08 63.2-27.44L52.08-27.05 52.72-37.2 51.28-37.52C49.36-32.8 47.2-29.2 45.13-26.72L38.64-26.48C38-33.52 33.84-37.28 26.16-37.28 17.36-37.28 10.95-31.84 8.23-24.87 5.52-24.64 2.08-24.31 2.08-24.31L1.77-23.12C1.77-23.12 4.16-23.05 7.59-22.95 7.05-21.05 6.8-19.12 6.8-17.12 6.8-6.87 12.72 1.28 25.77 1.28 34.23 1.28 39.69-2.64 42.95-6.48L42.31-8C39.28-5.84 35.36-3.92 29.13-3.92 20.72-3.92 13.84-9.52 13.84-19.52 13.84-21.77 14-22.95 14-22.95L45.2-22.64 45.2-0.23C45.2 6.41 49.05 11.13 55.92 11.13 61.28 11.13 65.36 8.41 67.92 5.84L67.05 4.31C67.05 4.31 63.2 6.95 58.23 6.95 53.77 6.95 52.08 3.52 52.08 0.08ZM14.31-25.28C15.44-30.8 19.69-34.48 24.48-34.48 28.88-34.48 31.77-32.41 31.77-27.44 31.77-26.8 31.69-26.23 31.69-26.23ZM14.31-25.28"></path>
</svg></span> Church History</h1>
<small>Under patronage of Saint Seraphim of Sarov.</small>
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---
title: Resources
date: 2018-08-21T06:04:12-05:00
layout: page
---
Hello and welcome to my resources page! Here I’ve collected some various resources and placed them all together in hopes of helping you on your journey to Theosis. Provided also is a introduction to Orthodoxy reading list that might help the newcomers looking for what the Church believes and what the Church is (including the history!) If there is anything you think should be on here, shoot me a message!
## Practical Recommendations
### Fr. Thomas Hopko’s † 55 Maxims
1. Be always with Christ and trust God in everything.
2. Pray as you can, not as you think you must.
3. Have a keepable rule of prayer done by discipline.
4. Say the Lord’s Prayer several times each day.
5. Repeat a short prayer when your mind is not occupied.
6. Make some prostrations when you pray.
7. Eat good foods in moderation and fast on fasting days.
8. Practice silence, inner and outer.
9. Sit in silence 20 to 30 minutes each day.
10. Do acts of mercy in secret.
11. Go to liturgical services regularly.
12. Go to confession and holy communion regularly.
13. Do not engage intrusive thoughts and feelings.
14. Reveal all your thoughts and feelings to a trusted person regularly.
15. Read the scriptures regularly.
16. Read good books, a little at a time.
17. Cultivate communion with the saints.
18. Be an ordinary person, one of the human race.
19. Be polite with everyone, first of all family members.
20. Maintain cleanliness and order in your home.
21. Have a healthy, wholesome hobby.
22. Exercise regularly.
23. Live a day, even a part of a day, at a time.
24. Be totally honest, first of all with yourself.
25. Be faithful in little things.
26. Do your work, then forget it.
27. Do the most difficult and painful things first.
28. Face reality.
29. Be grateful.
30. Be cheerful.
31. Be simple, hidden, quiet and small.
32. Never bring attention to yourself.
33. Listen when people talk to you.
34. Be awake and attentive, fully present where you are.
35. Think and talk about things no more than necessary.
36. Speak simply, clearly, firmly, directly.
37. Flee imagination, fantasy, analysis, figuring things out.
38. Flee carnal, sexual things at their first appearance.
39. Don’t complain, grumble, murmur or whine.
40. Don’t seek or expect pity or praise.
41. Don’t compare yourself with anyone.
42. Don’t judge anyone for anything.
43. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything.
44. Don’t defend or justify yourself.
45. Be defined and bound by God, not people.
46. Accept criticism gracefully and test it carefully.
47. Give advice only when asked or when it is your duty.
48. Do nothing for people that they can and should do for themselves.
49. Have a daily schedule of activities, avoiding whim and caprice.
50. Be merciful with yourself and others.
51. Have no expectations except to be fiercely tempted to your last breath.
52. Focus exclusively on God and light, and never on darkness, temptation and sin.
53. Endure the trial of yourself and your faults serenely, under God’s mercy.
54. When you fall, get up immediately and start over.
55. Get help when you need it, without fear or shame.
-----
## Books
#### NOTE: You might be able to find some of these books at [orthodoxebooks.org](http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/).
### Seraphim P.'s Intro to Orthodoxy Reading List [WIP]
(This list goes from basic to intermediate.)
* **The Orthodox Church** by Metropolitan Kallistos Ware (you may need to use his secular name, Timothy Ware)
* **The Orthodox Faith (Vol. 1-4)** by Fr. Thomas Hopko †
* **The Orthodox Way** by Metropolitan Kallistos Ware
* **The Law of God** by Fr. Seraphim Slobodskoy (this is legally free online)
* **For the Life of the World: Sacraments and Orthodoxy** by Fr. Alexander Schmemann †
* **On the Acquisition of the Holy Spirit** by Saint Seraphim of Sarov †
* **The Way of a Pilgrim and the Pilgrim Continues His Way** by Anonymous † (I suggest the R. M. French translation, just ignore the introduction as it’s a bit heretical)
* **Way of the Ascetics** by Tito Colliander †
* **The Mystical Theology of the Eastern Church** by Vladimir Lossky †
* **The Ladder of Divine Ascent** by St. John Climacus
* **The Philokalia (Vol. 1-5)** compiled by St. Nikodemus of the Holy Mountain † and St. Makarios of Corinth † (translated by G. E. H. Palmer, Philip Sherrard, and Met. Kallistos Ware) **_[read this under the guidance of a trusted spiritual father/mother/guide, do not presume on this text’s meaning and read it like you would the Bible]_**
### Topical Books
(Introductory but are more essential to read at specific times in the Church Year, read in no specific order.)
* **Great Lent: Journey to Pascha** by Fr. Alexander Schmemann †
### Liturgical Books
(Books that contain Greek/English translations of the liturgy, if you’re like me and attend a Greek-only monastery.)
* **The Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom** by Fr. George Papadeas † (Bilingual Greek/English)
* **Μεγαλη Εβδομας Πασχα / Holy Week - Easter** by Fr. George Papadeas † (Bilingual Greek/English)
* **Ο Ακαθιστος Υμνος / The Akathist Hymn** by Fr. George Papadeas † (Bilingual Greek/English)
* **The Holy Epiphany Service** by Fr. George Papadeas † (English)
-----
## Blogs
* This one! (duh)
* **[Writings](http://frederica.com/)** by Khouria Frederica Mathewes-Green
* **[The Morning Offering](https://blogs.ancientfaith.com/morningoffering/)** by Abbot Tryphon
* Or any other blogs on Ancient Faith, for the matter.
-----
## Podcasts
* **[The Areopagus](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/areopagus)** by Fr. Andrew Stephen Damick and Pastor Michael Landsman
* **[Roads From Emmaus](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/emmaus)** by Fr. Andrew Stephen Damick
* **[Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/orthodoxyheterodoxy)** by Fr. Andrew Stephen Damick
* **[Pop Culture Coffee Hour](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/popculture)** by Steven Christoforou and Christian Gonzalez
* **[We Are Orthodoxy](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/weareorthodoxy)** by Steven Christoforou and Christian Gonzalez
* **[The Patristics Podcast](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/patristicspodcast)** by Ambrose Andreano and Alvin Rapien
* **[The Names of Jesus](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/namesofjesus)** by Fr. Thomas Hopko †
* **[Speaking the Truth in Love](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/hopko)** by Fr. Thomas Hopko †
* **[Worship in Spirit and Truth](http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/spiritandtruth)** by Fr. Thomas Hopko †
-----
## YouTube Channels
* **[Orthodox Church](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvV_LZGJbXjSN2Jx31YYF1Q)** - various Orthodox-related videos, typically services, hymns, or events (note: it is not an official channel for any church)
* **[Y2AM](https://www.youtube.com/user/y2am)** - The Greek Archdiocese of America’s Youth and Young Adult Ministries channel. While pointed to youth and young adults (obv.), the videos are great for everyone of all ages.
* **[Bible Illustrated](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4VktB44EEkmQV8DymZVGtQ)** - A wonderful small YouTube channel that reads the Bible and talks about chants, theology, and bad puns by Reader Bojan Teodosijevic.
<p style="font-size:12px">
† - May their memory be eternal.
</p>

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